The Conical Glass: Horrorscope

Monday, November 26, 2007

Horrorscope

I'm one of those people who doesn't believe in astrology but can never resist reading my horoscope anyway. When I received an offer in my email to get a special birthday reading for free, I figured why not, and clicked over and filled out the form. (This is a Yahoo email address I consider "disposable" -- none of my real email goes there.) I had to enter the city of my birth and the exact time I was born. That must make it really accurate, right?

Here's what it said: "You are a gambler and an adventurer at heart, one who loves to take risks, to discover and explore new worlds, and to take the untried path rather than the safe, reliable one. You are an independent soul, freedom-loving, and often very restless. You need a lifestyle that provides opportunities for travel, movement, change, and meeting new people. A steady routine which offers much in the way of security but little in the way of space and freedom is odious to you."

Anyone who knows me must realize how far off the mark this is. I love a steady routine and am anything but a risk-taker. And meeting new people? Online, maybe, but in person -- sorry, no thanks, that's way too scary! And I invariably become homesick when I travel, unless I'm someplace that I'm so familiar with that it feels like home, such as my parents' condo in Florida.

Ignoring the entreaties to purchase my complete reading for just $9.95, I clicked on to the next part: "Cautious, prudent, and rather self-contained, you are a person who approaches life realistically and who is not inclined to take foolish chances or get carried away by the overly optimistic or idealistic schemes of starry-eyed dreamers. In fact, you frequently have a jaundiced view of such things. You are rather worldly-wise at a fairly young age, even something of a cynic. Often the world doesn't seem like a safe, friendly place to you, and you tend to approach life in a guarded, conservative manner. You are generally calculating and careful, and are rarely spontaneous, fluid, open, and childlike. "

Now, every single word of this is true. Cynical, calculating and careful -- that's me! Is there any person who could possibly be described by these two different paragraphs? Who would be guarded and conservative yet also crave movement and change? Granted, it was free and completely computer-generated, but it's still a bit odd.

posted by 125records @ 6:22 PM

3 Comments:

At 11:23 AM, James Sanford said…

I have a Chinese Horoscope forecast on my Facebook page and it's a constant source of hilarity for me. Although I will give it this much credit: My neighbors decided to host a Guitar Hero tournament last night that went on until 2 a.m. and (because I'm on vacation this week) I did not hassle them. My horoscope predicted it! "You'll succeed in keeping your serenity in the face of your neighbors' provocations." It also said, "You'll manage to keep your budget in good balance." Not so hot: I spent $176 on clothes on eBay yesterday, which was much more than I had planned. And then there was this: "You'll be full of enthusiasm, and your joy of living will charm everybody around you." As you know, that's me everyday! Isn't it?!
At 11:33 AM, 125records said…

Oh, I hope you saw the "South Park" episode a couple weeks ago about "Guitar Hero"! If not, you should try to record the rerun and have it ready next time your neighbors have another tourney... then you'll know what to do if they're playing too loudly (just go to the local games store and buy them a copy of Heroin Hero!).
At 2:32 PM, James Sanford said…

Of course the worst part of it was that everyone was absolutely awful: I didn't recognize a single melody they fumbled through. Maybe it was some sort of a botched tribute to the Quiet Riot singer who just died. Heaven knows...