The Conical Glass: The terpsichorean threat

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

The terpsichorean threat

The elitist mainstream media would like you to believe that the big issues confronting America today are the presidential election and disastrous economy. However, one of our most pressing problems has barely registered at all. Hundreds of people have been sounding the alarm online, but you may not even be aware of it. Therefore, it's my patriotic duty to inform you:

Cloris Leachman must be stopped.

Yes, the wacky octogenarian made it through another week on "Dancing with the Stars." Due to Misty May-Treanor's torn Achilles' tendon, no one was eliminated last night, but we did learn that even if one of the celebs had been kicked off, it wouldn't have been Cloris -- chef Rocco DiSpirito would have been sent back to the kitchen. That's despite the fact that Cloris received the lowest score from the judges on Monday night, which means that people across America are actually picking up their phones and voting for her.

In the words of Morrissey, "That joke isn't funny anymore." Sure, watching Cloris for the first couple weeks were sort of a kick, and I can't really blame America for booting the oddly charisma-free amateur porn star Kim Kardashian and Comedy Central roastmaster Jeffrey "two left feet" Ross, but Ted McGinley wasn't that bad, was he? Cloris and Corky's jive to Little Richard's "The Girl Can't Help It" was downright embarrassing. According to the Wikipedia entry on jive, it "is danced at a speed of 44 bars per minute, although in other cases this is reduced to between 32 and 40 bars per minute." I think Cloris danced it at around 12 bars per minute, if you can call her movements "dancing." Afterwards, Cloris remarked to the judges that they should all give her ones (the lowest score); she seemed a little out of it, reminiscent of Adm. James Stockdale's poignant cry of "Who am I? Why am I here?" Judge Bruno Tonioli's verdict: "To call this wacky would be the understatement of the year. It would take all the shrinks a lifetime to analyze this."

I can't help but wonder if Corky Ballas, a championship dancer who has trained a huge number of the "DWTS" pros (including his son Mark, who took Kristi Yamaguchi to victory last season), secretly wished it was Cloris and not Misty May who suffered the catastrophic injury. He said on the show that teaching Cloris the jive was the biggest challenge of his life, and I believe it. I don't know what they'll be dancing next week, but I pray it's not the quickstep.

I am sure there are numerous professional dancers in Cloris's age group who could come on the show and demonstrate that old folks can cut a rug. And there's no denying that she's a wonderful comedienne who does bring some entertainment value to the show. But after four weeks, as the dances get longer and more complex, it's just plain embarrassing to watch her.

Back in the Great Depression, American hearts were lifted by the choreography of Busby Berkeley and his stable of showgirls. Dancing brings us together and distracts us from the bad news of the day (it's no wonder that "DWTS" is the #1-rated show on TV right now). I don't know who's calling up and voting for Cloris, but whoever you are, you don't have America's best interests at heart, and you need to stop.

My favorite on the show (and yes, I do phone in every week to vote!) is former pro football player Warren Sapp. I must admit that before "DWTS," I had only the vaguest idea of who Sapp was (Joe informed me that he used to play for the Raiders, so now you know that I really don't follow pro football), but he's upbeat, fun to watch and surprisingly light on his feet for such a big guy. He makes me smile every week. Go Warren and Kym!

posted by 125records @ 2:47 PM

3 Comments:

At 7:10 PM, Flasshe said…

I am in complete agreement.

Although weren't you rallying for Cloris on my blog not too long? Ah, the fickle tastes of the American public.
At 8:09 PM, 125records said…

Like I said, there were worse competitors than Cloris at the beginning, but anyone who saw Monday's show must agree that she was by far the worst. Her score of 16 was entirely too generous. It should have been a 3 -- as she herself acknowledged!
At 8:27 PM, Joe said…

Kim is not an amateur porn star, she's an inadvertent porn star, thanks to her ex-boyfriend of 3 years. She is acharismatic, though. Looks aren't everything, sadly.